FINAL DESTINATION: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT By Andrew Clover FADE IN: MAIN CREDITS OVER: INT. BEDROOM. DARK, MOODY, FOREBODING. TABLE FAN Hello everybody. I am a foreboding fan. Watch me turn and forebode! Man, am I creepy! CURTAINS Hi, I'm the curtains of foreboditude. I will also be providing some foreboding during your film today. Thank you and enjoy! BITS OF PAPER AND BOOKS AND STUFF Hold on! We thought we were doing the foreboding in this scene? DEVON SAWA Hey, can you guys stop foreboding for a moment? Trying to get some sleep here. INT. DEVON'S BEDROOM. MORNING. MOM Hi Devon. I'm your mom. I am a mom and I love you because I am your mom and that's what moms do probably I think. Let me pull off this lucky luggage tag so your dad can make a subtly foreboding remark. ZOOM IN on DAD: DAD Hey ho, you're going to fuckin' DIE!!! DEVON Cheers Pop. I love you. Good foreboding remark by the way. INT. AIRPORT A crowd of suspiciously old-looking HIGH SCHOOL KIDS mill around. HIGH SCHOOL KIDS Weird how we all look the same, like twenty-something Hollywood also-rans or something. ZOOM IN on HIGH SCHOOL KIDS: HIGH SCHOOL KIDS It would be easier for the audience to tell us apart if there were fewer of us! ZOOM IN even MORE: HIGH SCHOOL KIDS Like, if a load of us died in a plane crash, or something! HARE KRISHNA LOON You! Boy! DEVON What, me? ZOOM IN on LOON: HARE KRISHNA LOON You're all gong to die!!! Sharp pan as Devon turns to face a FLIGHT INFORMATION BOARD. BOARD You. Are. All. Going. To. Die. This is FORESHADOWING. AUDIENCE What is foreshadowing? Is it like foreboding? A BIT like that, YES. KERR SMITH Hello Devon. I don't like you. Because I am an asshole. It says here. DEVON Okay, that's nice. Oh listen, it's John Denver. How ironic... ZOOM IN, right IN no even FURTHER: DEVON ...since actually, HE DIED IN A PLANE CRASH. It's subtle - and clever!! AUDIENCE Christ! Stop ZOOMing IN on EVERYTHING! Cut to screenwriters GLEN MORGAN and JAMES WONG. ZOOM IN on WONG: JAMES WONG No. INT. AIRPLANE The KIDS file aboard. There is a BABY, and a SPASTIC. SPASTIC You're all going to die!!! BABY Yes, you really are all going to die, you know. GLEN MORGAN Actually I did some research, and it's someone with AMYOTROPHIC LATERAL SCLEROSIS, not just a 'spastic', as that would be OFFENSIVE. KERR Dude! Spastics are funny! Ha ha ha!! JAMES WONG Also, they are all going to die!!! AUDIENCE No shit. Enough foreboding already. MORGAN How about some misgiving and apprehensiveness? AUDIENCE Put the fucking thesaurus down Glen. Suddenly, the plane EXPLODES in a flurry of SPECIAL EFFECTS. AUDIENCE Gee, that was a surprise. Right, well that's the foreboded event out of the way, now we can get on with the film proper. MORGAN Actually I just blew the budget on those SPECIAL EFFECTS, I'm afraid the rest of the film will have to be made up entirely of leftover FOREBODING. AUDIENCE Shit. INT. AIRPLANE DEVON Oh no! Everyone off the plane! KIDS Eh? Whysat? DEVON It's going to explode! We're all going to DIE! KIDS Oh yeah, we knew that, everyone's been telling us that the last half an hour. Why don't you take your MATE, KRISTEN CLOKE, KERR, his GIRLFRIEND and ALI LARTER and we'll just sit here and get blown up, all right? DEVON Okay, bye. AUDIENCE Fuck! The whole crash sequence was just another extended piece of foreboding! INT. AIRPORT SEAN W. SCOTT Hello! I am also in this film. I am a bit GOOFY, sort of like JIM CARREY! Boy, did you see him in that film? What a hoot! Suddenly the plane EXPLODES! AGAIN! DEVON Fuck me! The plane exploded!! KERR Well, duh. MORGAN I got to re-use my effects shots! Two POLICEMEN enter. POLICEMAN Evening all. We're the policemen. We're part of a new FBI programme, it's like good-cop/bad-cop except I'm stupid-cop and this here is my associate dumb-comp. We shall play little further part in this film. DEVON'S MATE gets KILLED by shaving with a rusty old razor and no foam or water, so he probably deserves it. There is a lot of thunder and lightning because there is always thunder and lightningevery night due to local forebodiness statutes. EXT. FUNERAL KERR Hello Devon. Just as a reminder, I still hate you, and am still an asshole. ALI LARTER I thought my real name was pretty daft, but apparently my character's name is Clear Rivers - pretty WEIRD, eh? Also I am vaguely creepy, like Carrie or something. DEVON That's okay, I'm used to the dodgy name thing. As long as you don't start doing that foreboding stuff we're so bored of, I shall decide to FANCY YOU. ALI Okay!!!! Also, "The X Files"!!!! MORGAN and WONG We used to write the X Files, you know! AUDIENCE We would never have guessed. DEVON I still think we're all going to die!!! ALI Now YOU'RE foreboding! I know, let's go break into a creepy mortuary! DEVON Er... why? ALI I'll show you my knickers! WONG Or something. I don't know. INT. MORTUARY It is very DARK, almost FOREBODING (but not quite). Devon's MATE's body jumps out at them and the music goes BAH!!! like in EVERY FILM EVER. There is a CREEPY OLD GUY. CREEPY OLD GUY You're all going to die!!! ALI Yes, we had rather got that impression. EXT. CAFE The part of the cast not already KILLED meets up. KERR's GIRLIE gets run down by a bus in a HUMOROUS way. AUDIENCE That was hilarious! I liked the bit where Kerr's girlfriend got hit by a bus! KERR I liked the bit where my girlfriend got hit by a bus too! It was really cool! AUDIENCE So is this a comedy now then? KRISTEN CLOKE I guess so. DEVON I have worked out what will happen next - we're all going to die! AUDIENCE We had worked that out too, do we get points? KRISTEN Even I'VE worked out what's going to happen, and I'm the one who's about to get killed, by every household object that has foreboded menacingly in the last ten minutes. Also, John Denver. CURTAINS That's not fair! I was foreboding pretty good there and I never got the chance to kill you. DEVON Do all our houses have foreboding curtains fitted? ALI Yes, it was a special offer. KRISTEN By the way, Glen dear, is there any chance you could cast me in something where you don't have me horribly killed off? I think you have some issues we need to talk about. WONG Hi everyone, I hope you're happy with how the film's going so far. This is a public service announcement. Ninety percent of all accidents happen in the home. MORGAN Remember not to buy cheap foreboding furniture from Taiwan, because it's all part of Death's Plan. Thanks. And now back to the film. Sean W. Scott is KILLED. There is more thunder and lightning. And running about, natch. WONG Screw it, I can't be bothered to off the remaining cast one by one. Let's get the film over with and pop down the boozer. MORGAN Right, so, what's the ending then? WONG I thought YOU had an ending sorted out! FADE to WHITE. EXT. ANOTHER CAFE CAPTION: At some point later. DEVON Oh, I'm still alive. Wonder how that happened. KERR We seem to be in Paris for some reason. DEVON We're still all going to die!!! ALI Whatever. Suddenly, Kerr Smith DIES. DEVON Ha ha, he DIED! That was funny. ALI He was an asshole anyway. Ha ha ha!!! FADE OUT. END CREDITS AUDIENCE So what was all that about then? Did Devon have some kind of special powers? What WAS Death's Plan anyway? What? Eh? MORGAN Tune in next week and the conspiracy will be explained! AUDIENCE There is no next week, it's a film, not a TV series! CHRIS CARTER Do-doodle-oo do-do-do-do-do dooo! I made this! AUDIENCE Crud. JOHN DENVER Actually it was me all along!! Muahahahahaha! AUDIENCE Fuck off Denver. You suck. Everyone DIES.