Losertown: Captain Birdseye 14

It's the adventures of Captain Birdseye! The story so far... nothing much has happened. Join the Captain and his pubescent pals for another pointless waste of an episode.

Ahoy there! I'm Captain Birdseye! [beat] What do you mean, pointless? My adventures are thrilling, and not a little entertaining, I'll have you know!

Cobblers! Every episode is just you lot bickering.

No it's not.

Yes it... no, look, I'm not getting drawn into that. Nothing happens! On the rare occasion anything does actually happen, like the children being taken away in the episode 8, it just mysteriously un-happens again without explanation.

Aar. No... right... this series is.. a prequel. The stuff with the stolen fish fingers, that hasn't happened yet. You see?

So much wasted potential! You could be battling with pirates, encountering mighty sea monsters, righting injustice on the ocean wave...

Nah. No, we couldn't.

Well... why not?

I'll show you.

Um. Okay... it's the adventures of Captain Birdseye!

Ahoy there! I'm Captain Birdseye!

Yay!

Captain! Look out!

Oh no! Pirates!

Ahaar! Taste cold steel Captain Birdseye!

I'd rather taste the crispy goodness of my new fish fingers! Let's fight!

You win this time Captain Birdseye! But I'll be back!

Captain! What's that?!

Help! A vicious sea monster!

[pathetically] Roar. Rrrrrrr. Raaargh.

Never fear, me hearties!

Roar.

Get back, foul... no, I can't keep this up. See what I mean, voice-over man?

What?

Low production values. We don't have the sound effects for fights or monsters, so we have to improvise. And it sounds rubbish. That monster sound's not going to scare anyone.

Sorry.

Oh. I see. [beat] Anyway, how come you're talking to me? The characters aren't supposed to be able to hear the narrator.

That's just a standard ironic device - it happens in every sketch these student types write. Quite weak really.

Once the tricks of postmodernism become commonplace and predictable they're not funny.

No, it's just not clever any more. It might have saved a sketch thirty years ago, when the writers were stuck for a punch-line.

There really hasn't been much new since Monty Python, has there? But now it's just tired. Predictable. The mark of lazy writing.

What if the characters start to step out of their roles and try to analyse their position in the sketch, and the nature of comedy? Not funny, obviously, but is that clever?

No, it's just the sign of a self-indulgent sketch rapidly disappearing up its own arse.

Hm. Better make it stop then.

Yeah... [resigned] more exciting adventures with Captain Birdseye next time.

Captain, I've lost track of my character.

That's all right Katie. You never had much of one in the first place.