Cheap TV

Music
Something pompous and a bit newsy from Carlin/Chappell's probably or something.
Laurie
Cheap TV! A journey into the fascinating world of the camcorder. Remember, everything you see tonight is real. It's sometimes exploitative, sometimes tacky... but it's always... Cheap TV!
Tonight... a man falls off a ten-storey building, and lives!
[happy] A cat jumps in a cute way... [over-serious] then falls over!
And, in exclusive footage, we show you the dangers of drinking petrol.
Hi, I'm Laurie Crass, and this is Cheap TV, the show that gets away with showing real dismemberment, pain and those special private moments, simply by pretending to be educational.
Now, here's a man in a car crusher.
FX
Crushing and screaming
Laurie
Ha ha ha! [serious] Of course you shouldn't be playing in car crushers. ...Or this might happen!
FX
Same as before
Laurie
Hahaha! Amazing. I could watch it all day.
But on to our first item.
Mr. Jack Adams of Lunchville, Minnesota. Recently made redundant, and with gambling debts over over ten thousand dollars, Mr. Adams is feeling [mock sympathy] a bit down. Then Molly, his wife of eight years announces she is leaving him. Unluckily for him, his life is in ruins and he is about to attempt suicide... luckily for us, his neighbour Mrs. Hattie Westler has a camcorder and catches him jumping from the roof of his tenement building. Watch.
FX
Sobbing, scream, falling, thump, splat.
Laurie
That's right! And, amazingly, Mr. Jack Adams walked away and is currently in hospital receiving treatment. All the best, Jack. Now watch again in slow-motion.
FX
Slowed down version
Laurie
Okay... Jack jumps... here.. and just goes out of shot for a moment, but remember folks, this is real camcorder footage taken by an amateur photographer. Watch here as he bumps into the wall on the way down and injures his forearm. Look closely and you can just make out the blood pumping from the wound. ...And this is where he hits the ground. Watch his arm as it bends backwards, cushioning his fall and probably saving him. It's another amazing and exclusive find on Cheap TV!
Laurie
Next on Ch... what's that? [whispers off-mic] He's dead? Died in hospital? [whispers] Internal injuries?
Okay, forget we showed you that. And now, here is a cat falling over!
Music
Over-the-top comic music
Laurie
Hahahahaha! Amaaaazing. After the break, we show you how dangerous it is to drink three pints of petrol and then swallow a match. This is vital to your education, so don't touch that dial... we'll be back in five!
Music
Sting of previous theme
FX
Short burst of static
Anna
Ho ho! Great! That was part of Cheap TV, every day at seven thirty, and you're watching 'Sky TV's Scummiest Schedule-Fillers' with me, Anna Needless.
Our next clip may stock and disturb you. ...If not, we have failed in our remit to bring you the lowest-quality entertainment we can get away with. Here's an excerpt from Thursday night's no-holds-barred police action fly-in-the-cell documentary, The Filth.
FX
Static
Music
Backing track from Bad Boys or something similar
v/o
The Filth.
John
Hi, I'm John Nesquik and this is The Filth, following Britain's toughest police officers as they uphold the law. Tonight, there is a drug dealer and the police have followed a trail of clues to track him down to a caravan outside Plymouth. But that bit is boring. Now they are going to arrest him.
v/o
The Filth.
FX
Police radios, beating noises
John
Look. It's a black man. And he's getting his head kicked in. Remember, he is a violent criminal. Go on, get him. Yes! Look! You can just see the moment when his nose breaks. Here it is again in slow motion. Go! Go police! Break his little head! Ha ha ha! Finish him!
The criminal was found with over two grams of marry-oo-ana and was [satisfied] sent to jail. [quiet and quick] (Although his sentence was suspended on appeal.)
v/o
The Filth.
John
That's all from The Filth for tonight. Tune in next week to see a bunch of Arabs get a good beating. And remember, no real people were hurt in the making of these films. Only criminals.
FX
Static
Anna
Ho ho! Crazy! Finally on 'Sky TV's Scummiest Schedule-Fillers', a truly smashing offering from Tuesday evening's edu-tainment.
Music
Action/tension, lots of stabbing news-chords
v/o
Tonight on 'When Things Get Blown Up'! A bus blows up! A building blows up! And finally! A donkey! Gets blown up!
FX
Explosion
Static
Anna
Bonkers! Ho ho ho! That's all we've got time for on 'Sky TV's Scummiest Schedule-Fillers' today. Join us next week for more fun and exploitation with your friend and mine, Rupert Murdoch! Hooray!
FX
Longer burst of static
And
That's all for now from 'Radio Warwick's Stupidest Sketches'. Coming up later, some old crap about a superhero who beats villians by ejaculating on them. What's this bloody show all about, then? You have to wonder sometimes.
and@doxdesk.com